Yuanzuei Mountain

We (Gloria, Megan, Joseph, Derrick and I) took a trip on Saturday to Yuanzuei Mountain to go on a hike. I use the term hike very loosely here. Megan is still not completely mobile and it's Wednesday. It felt like we did more scrambling up sheer rock faces than we did hiking, which was completely ok with me. We manly men made it a goal to use the ropes as little as possible. This definitely got my adrenaline pumping at times as this mountain is reminiscent of the top of Angel's Landing with no more than 10 to 15 feet of footing and humongous cliffs on either side.



The forest we hiked through on our way down was spectacular! It was difficult to capture the splendor on camera, but this one does a fairly good job of it.

It felt wonderful to truly be out in nature. As far as we could see (which wasn't entirely far because the mountain was pretty socked in with fog) nature stretched out before us. It was a great exercise in imagination. We could see the cliff face descending sharply before our feet, but couldn't really see the bottom of the cliff, so we just imagined what the view would be like if we could see. The fog did lift enough a few times, though so we could catch the grandeur of the area. The density of the trees and the abundance of green gave me the impression that I was on the Oregon coast again. The whole trip was refreshing.

Fourth Grade Foolios

The video of this class was an exercise to drown my boredom in irregularity. Actually, these guys are quite entertaining when we start making plans of how to burn Berhan (the school) and perform other illegal activities. It's when we're reading "20,000 Baseball Cards Under the Sea" and "Alice in Wonderland" that I have problems dozing off.

P.J.---likes: having fun at break time
dislikes: giving Mr. Danger massages at break time
is forced to regularly: give Mr. Danger massages at break time
will certainly: receive 100 percent on every test and assignment from now into eternity

Luke

likes: using his razor blade to cut the faces off the people in all his books
dislikes: being blindfolded, kicked, poked, and smacked by the rest of the class
sometimes: asks if he can go poo-poo instead of asking to go to the bathroom
always: sketches instead of whatever else everyone else is doing...Exhibit A can be seen below:

Isn't that adorable?


Leia

Luke's twin sister...do you think their parents ever watched Star Wars? I don't think you can tell in this picture, but she crimps her hair every day and it looks sweet. She's currently number one on my favorite girl students list for this class, as she is the only one of them who doesn't run as far away from me as possible every time I see her in fear of "The Stinky Cheese Touch."*

*For those of you who are ignorant when it comes to this, please read the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series by Jeff Kinney. They are some of the most hilarious books I've read.

Basic Reading Babies

These babies are all around 7 or 8 years old. Much of their communication, when it moves beyond the basic realms of bodily functions and the body parts that perform those functions, consists of gesticulations and grunts. The entertainment is endless as I listen to their unbelievable abilities to make sounds I've never even heard. Their struggles to communicate have some wonderful positive externalities, however. Were you to spend more than five seconds with these kids you would certainly recognize, for instance, that they've all developed a keen ability for sketching what it is they are trying to say and I'm quite certain that given the opportunity, one of these kids would become a world champion beat-boxer. So, if you're looking to get your rear end handed to you in a game of Pictionary or Charades, or if you sense some insatiable urge to feel completely misunderstood, just come visit this class and all your wildest dreams will come true.


Ray has been blessed with overactive olfactories...at least that's my explanation as to why he is constantly sniffing my arms and neck. He honestly reminds me of a little puppy. Contrary to my ape-like genetics, Taiwanese people are rarely found with any body hair. Ray's fascination with my hair is hilarious. He will often contently stroke my arm hair as if I were his pet rabbit for our entire 10-minute break time. Once he surprised me by asking, "Can I eat your fur?" I thought, "What's the harm in him eating something I don't have?" I obliged and regretted it five seconds later when suddenly I was now short a mouthful of arm hair. Moral of the story: never say yes to anything a child asks you to do.



The one gazing deceitfully at the camera is Jasper. He is half Koala, half human. Whenever I come into class, he tightly clings to my legs as if the floor he is standing on were infested by flesh-eating piranhas. To the right is Jellen. He falls asleep a lot in class. He is the object of my envy.

Kindergarten Kiddies

Even though many moments spent teaching are moments spent in complete emotional, spiritual, and physical exhaustion, others are spent in moments of thinking: "Shut the $#@% up before I beat you with a bamboo stick!" which requires complete emotional, spiritual, and especially physical control. Days do exist, though where I find them completely adorable. These are days when I am enabled, through the grace of God to transform from their teacher into a mere passive observer. The day upon which these photos were taken serves as an immaculate example of how children undergo some magical devil to angel transfiguration when they are no longer 'my children.' Their Chinese kindergarten teachers took the reins (which tightened considerably, I'm sure upon the children being able to understand what they were told to do) for the day as we took our first and probably only field trip. (I just don't think the Chinese teachers were too thrilled when one us 'accidentally' pushed one of the kids into the fish feeding pond).

Rex is the man you see above. It is widely believed that he has autism. I think its cute how he's fascinated with the ceiling fan and will stare at it for days without proper intervention. He also does the same thing with the cd player. He's a cute kid and I'm sometimes secretly envious of his ability to seemingly completely detach himself from everything.

This is Shayla, Queen of Indistinguishable Utterances. Maybe it's her overbite that causes what she says to be extremely muffled, or perhaps it's that she's not old enough to speak--in any language. Her obvious overbite combined with some wicked pigtails a few days ago to make me feel that I was in Chinese Who-ville. She's great for my sense of humor self-esteem because everything I do or say in Shayla's mind is gut-ripping hilarious and when she laughs, it sounds like she's been smoking since the day she left the womb.

This is Sharon, Daughter of Destruction. She looks and acts sweet most of the time, but has been known to destroy complete collections of students' artwork in less than thirty seconds. When I am excusing these little buggers to go home or to their next class, I sometimes get their attention by asking, "Who has the biggest smile on their face?" Sharon evidently has underdeveloped facial muscles, because no matter how hard she tries, she can't seem to get those lips to curve upward. The faces she makes in the attempt are priceless, though.


Jenny, one of the Chinese teachers is demonstrating how to properly herd children. Thanks to her and others like her, I was able to see my kids as kids for a day. Days like this will hopefully become less of a necessity in the future as I learn to rely upon things other than bamboo to control my class.

Romance in Asia

Hanna, the other white person in the picture and fellow SUU alumni, is teaching at a school in a neighboring city. She's been trying to play matchmaker [cue: Fiddler on the Roof music (man, i love that play!)] for a couple of months now. Saturday marked the culmination of her tireless efforts when Joseph and I took a trip to meet up with her and Molly (my date and the non-white person in the picture...we decided she's a beige color. And you know what they say: "The beige don't age! I'd never have guessed that she was 30. Am I completely misusing the little bracket things?)

I found it quite humorous that in the middle of a historic tour of Lugang, we found these authentic warriors. TMNT (teenage mutant ninja turtles) (I think I just like to use these brackets) was one of my faves growing up.

This sounds like the spot to me! If only my conscience had not been educated against 'alcoholic revelry' a.k.a getting smashed, being wasted, drunk, etc.


A Taiwanese version of "Ripley's Believe It or Not" museum. It reminded me of the one our family visited while in Jackson Hole. If you're ever in the area, in fact, even if you're not in the area, make yourself be in the area, cause it's worth seeing and believing...or not.


We visited a glass factory/museum, which was very entertaining. Parts of it seemed almost like a funhouse with all manner of mirrors, illusions and surprises. The artwork was unbelievable and we actually had the opportunity to watch one of the artists make some glass dolphins.

The doorstep scene was rather anticlimatic (par for the course). It consisted of Molly and Hanna dropping me, Joseph and two other friends off at the train station. It's not like I expected anything. I mean, you're talking to a guy who hasn't kissed a girl in well over two years, but I usually get at least a hug. Taiwanese are supposedly known for not being affectionate and I think it would have been an awkward hug over the steering wheel anyway. I thought it best to say thanks and just get out of the car.

With un-hugged arms I returned to my humble abode to find that I was going to get some lovin' after all. My little animae princess was unexpectedly waiting for me. And they all lived happily ever after. THE END

What's that smell?

Given the fact that Taiwanese houses do not have garbage disposals, I take great pride in the fact that I have become the human equivalent for our home. Words have a way of spreading quickly here in our minute English teaching world and it seems that Gloria has set out to put "Mr. Danger's Dynamic Disposal" to the test. Last week, when given durian, a fruit that smells like rotten onions, the disposal nearly failed, but after minutes (that seemed like hours) of dry heaving and gagging, the disposal diligently did its duty, thereafter resolving to never come within a 30 meter radius of durian again. Ever. Not even if forced by gunpoint (which shouldn't be a problem here, as I'm told that no one really has a gun).

Evidently, rotten onion fruit did not provide sufficient suffering for the disposal man, so Gloria, Joseph and I found ourselves one night on a quest for 'stinky tofu,' which is code for, "the local pig farm lacks storage space for their pigs' discharged meals, so we grind it up, smash it down, call it tofu and serve it as food." Gloria's description of stinky tofu being reminiscent of a pig's house is a bit of an understatement. Some of my students regularly complain to me about living too close to vendors that prepare the stuff and wholeheartedly state that it makes their entire house stink. I had a difficult time believing them until I smelled my own breath the morning after eating it. I nearly had to use my pillow as a puke-sack.

Did you ever get that weird advice that to make yourself a healthier person, you should make certain to chew your food at least 24 times before swallowing? Normally, I completely disregard that statement. Last time I checked, my chew/swallow ratio stood right at 7 to 1. I don't eat food. I inhale it. This has become even more obvious here, where it is considered completely normal to bring your plate or bowl to your face and shovel in as much food as possible, as rapidly as possible. To illuminate the effects this has had on my eating habits, allow me to mention that my pre-Taiwan chew/swallow ratio was about 13 to 1.

Anywho, suffice it to say that for that miniature square of tofu you see in the video, my chew/swallow ratio skyrocketed to somewhere around 116 to 1. I guess that first bite was extremely deceptive and I must partially retract the statement, "it tastes a whole lot better than it smells." It's not entirely false. It does taste better than it smells, but probably not a whole lot better and when it's a pig house you're smelling, anything will taste better. The wafts of pig dung-esque smells caused my taste buds to go on a vacation to shrimp fried rice land where they actually took up residence. I don't think they were encouraged whatsoever by Gloria's explanation as to why the tofu reeks like the Great Wall of Death:

Dane and Joseph: "So, Gloria, what makes it stink so badly?"
Gloria: "Well, they steep it in horse urine."
Dane and Joseph: [dry heaving sounds while looking for a bucket or plastic bag...faces go green] "WHAT?"

Yes, Dane the disposal has been discredited. I have since decided to make a list of foods I don't like:
1. Durian
2. Stinky Tofu
3. Menudo (cow's stomach mexican style)

and a list of interesting foods I do enjoy:
1. Sheep and Dog milk (not mixed, but each enjoyed separately)
2. Various pig parts...ears, intestines, etc.
3. Chicken butt
4. Pig's stomach a la puerto rico

I'm hoping that in the next few months I'll be exposed to more of the latter and less of the former.

Bathroom Boredom

I was just curious to see if this video thing would work...and I was bored in the bathroom. What does it say about me that this is my first and only video?

Picture Game

Here's a fun one to try on for size: grab a willing photographer (and by photographer, I mean someone who can push a button with their finger) and a couple friends who aren't ashamed to look ridiculously foolish. Spend the next two minutes making as many weird faces as possible while advising your photographer to snap away. I promise you at least a few minutes of hysteria as you look through the resultant photos. For us, it lasted about 2 hours and it still brings a smile to my face just thinking about it. This little activity made that six dollars we spent for a 5 minute ferris wheel ride well worth it.

My First Taiwan Dream

Sorry to bring politics into the mix, but I was startled a few mornings past when upon awakening, I realized I had remembered my first dream in Taiwan...Yes, I did dream about dating Barack Obama. It was strange because as I told him goodbye at the white house doors I called him President. He got this funny look in his eye, looked at me and said, "Its Barack."

Had any weird dreams lately? Better yet, can anyone interpret this one for me? Maybe all those times merrily singing Obama Girl's hit single, "I've got a crush on Obama"did have an impact upon my subconscious.

Feed the Birds...but don't bring them on the bus!

Mary Poppins would've had a canary over this one. We had to duct tape our birds' beaks shut and stuff them into Arwyn's purse when we got on this bus. How were we to know birds weren't allowed? Had we not had Fenny, our taiwanese friend with us, I don't know how we would've ever figured out how to get those birds on the bus. Have you ever tried acting out duct tape with gestures?



An interesting name for a restaurant, don't you think? At least I think it was a restaurant.

The lady in the background is TICKED (at least she looks so in this picture). I think it may have upset her that we just took pictures and didn't purchase anything.
These are my Taiwanese girlfriends I met in Alaska. Today I met up with them here in Taiwan. It was a joyful reunion and this time, we could actually communicate...somewhat. They have all taken it upon themselves to play taiwanese matchmaker for me. Their first victim was the most beautiful girl I've seen in Taiwan who just so happened to be our waittress. They had her sit down right next to me while they explained to her that we were to become boyfriend and girlfriend. The girl's name was Van and when I told her that was my mom's name she got really excited. Anywho, it was fascinating to me that I was hanging out with people in Taiwan whom I met in Alaska. It still kind of blows my mind. Have you had any of those, "It's a small world after all" experiences lately?

Thoughts from Dane's Brain

A fire roars.
The thermostat reads 71 degrees Fahrenheit.
Yet I stand here,
clothed in five layers
with a Peruvian winter cap
Shivering.
Just moments before
I stood in the same room
with significantly less clothes
and I felt warmth.

Do you ever wonder if all God ever wanted was for us to garden naked?

How low would the silver mercury dip or how high would it rise when left unshielded and exposed to the elements?

I remove a white-hot log from sunset flames
just to watch it burn itself black.
Maybe then empathy will exist.

I learned in boy scouts (and always hoped I'd find myself with a beautiful woman when it happened)
that the best solution for hypothermia is to strip yourself of all clothing
and lie naked with the victim.

Perhaps that's what I need.

Guess What?

Chicken Butt. (Does anyone remember that one from elementary school?) Well, if we're being technical here, chicken butts. Five of them. Grilled in sauce on a skewer. Let's just say that I've eaten enough chicken butts this week that if you double that number, it would be well over my age. Why do we neglect so many delicious parts of the chicken in the U S of A?