What's that smell?

Given the fact that Taiwanese houses do not have garbage disposals, I take great pride in the fact that I have become the human equivalent for our home. Words have a way of spreading quickly here in our minute English teaching world and it seems that Gloria has set out to put "Mr. Danger's Dynamic Disposal" to the test. Last week, when given durian, a fruit that smells like rotten onions, the disposal nearly failed, but after minutes (that seemed like hours) of dry heaving and gagging, the disposal diligently did its duty, thereafter resolving to never come within a 30 meter radius of durian again. Ever. Not even if forced by gunpoint (which shouldn't be a problem here, as I'm told that no one really has a gun).

Evidently, rotten onion fruit did not provide sufficient suffering for the disposal man, so Gloria, Joseph and I found ourselves one night on a quest for 'stinky tofu,' which is code for, "the local pig farm lacks storage space for their pigs' discharged meals, so we grind it up, smash it down, call it tofu and serve it as food." Gloria's description of stinky tofu being reminiscent of a pig's house is a bit of an understatement. Some of my students regularly complain to me about living too close to vendors that prepare the stuff and wholeheartedly state that it makes their entire house stink. I had a difficult time believing them until I smelled my own breath the morning after eating it. I nearly had to use my pillow as a puke-sack.

Did you ever get that weird advice that to make yourself a healthier person, you should make certain to chew your food at least 24 times before swallowing? Normally, I completely disregard that statement. Last time I checked, my chew/swallow ratio stood right at 7 to 1. I don't eat food. I inhale it. This has become even more obvious here, where it is considered completely normal to bring your plate or bowl to your face and shovel in as much food as possible, as rapidly as possible. To illuminate the effects this has had on my eating habits, allow me to mention that my pre-Taiwan chew/swallow ratio was about 13 to 1.

Anywho, suffice it to say that for that miniature square of tofu you see in the video, my chew/swallow ratio skyrocketed to somewhere around 116 to 1. I guess that first bite was extremely deceptive and I must partially retract the statement, "it tastes a whole lot better than it smells." It's not entirely false. It does taste better than it smells, but probably not a whole lot better and when it's a pig house you're smelling, anything will taste better. The wafts of pig dung-esque smells caused my taste buds to go on a vacation to shrimp fried rice land where they actually took up residence. I don't think they were encouraged whatsoever by Gloria's explanation as to why the tofu reeks like the Great Wall of Death:

Dane and Joseph: "So, Gloria, what makes it stink so badly?"
Gloria: "Well, they steep it in horse urine."
Dane and Joseph: [dry heaving sounds while looking for a bucket or plastic bag...faces go green] "WHAT?"

Yes, Dane the disposal has been discredited. I have since decided to make a list of foods I don't like:
1. Durian
2. Stinky Tofu
3. Menudo (cow's stomach mexican style)

and a list of interesting foods I do enjoy:
1. Sheep and Dog milk (not mixed, but each enjoyed separately)
2. Various pig parts...ears, intestines, etc.
3. Chicken butt
4. Pig's stomach a la puerto rico

I'm hoping that in the next few months I'll be exposed to more of the latter and less of the former.

Bathroom Boredom

I was just curious to see if this video thing would work...and I was bored in the bathroom. What does it say about me that this is my first and only video?

Picture Game

Here's a fun one to try on for size: grab a willing photographer (and by photographer, I mean someone who can push a button with their finger) and a couple friends who aren't ashamed to look ridiculously foolish. Spend the next two minutes making as many weird faces as possible while advising your photographer to snap away. I promise you at least a few minutes of hysteria as you look through the resultant photos. For us, it lasted about 2 hours and it still brings a smile to my face just thinking about it. This little activity made that six dollars we spent for a 5 minute ferris wheel ride well worth it.

My First Taiwan Dream

Sorry to bring politics into the mix, but I was startled a few mornings past when upon awakening, I realized I had remembered my first dream in Taiwan...Yes, I did dream about dating Barack Obama. It was strange because as I told him goodbye at the white house doors I called him President. He got this funny look in his eye, looked at me and said, "Its Barack."

Had any weird dreams lately? Better yet, can anyone interpret this one for me? Maybe all those times merrily singing Obama Girl's hit single, "I've got a crush on Obama"did have an impact upon my subconscious.

Feed the Birds...but don't bring them on the bus!

Mary Poppins would've had a canary over this one. We had to duct tape our birds' beaks shut and stuff them into Arwyn's purse when we got on this bus. How were we to know birds weren't allowed? Had we not had Fenny, our taiwanese friend with us, I don't know how we would've ever figured out how to get those birds on the bus. Have you ever tried acting out duct tape with gestures?



An interesting name for a restaurant, don't you think? At least I think it was a restaurant.

The lady in the background is TICKED (at least she looks so in this picture). I think it may have upset her that we just took pictures and didn't purchase anything.
These are my Taiwanese girlfriends I met in Alaska. Today I met up with them here in Taiwan. It was a joyful reunion and this time, we could actually communicate...somewhat. They have all taken it upon themselves to play taiwanese matchmaker for me. Their first victim was the most beautiful girl I've seen in Taiwan who just so happened to be our waittress. They had her sit down right next to me while they explained to her that we were to become boyfriend and girlfriend. The girl's name was Van and when I told her that was my mom's name she got really excited. Anywho, it was fascinating to me that I was hanging out with people in Taiwan whom I met in Alaska. It still kind of blows my mind. Have you had any of those, "It's a small world after all" experiences lately?

Thoughts from Dane's Brain

A fire roars.
The thermostat reads 71 degrees Fahrenheit.
Yet I stand here,
clothed in five layers
with a Peruvian winter cap
Shivering.
Just moments before
I stood in the same room
with significantly less clothes
and I felt warmth.

Do you ever wonder if all God ever wanted was for us to garden naked?

How low would the silver mercury dip or how high would it rise when left unshielded and exposed to the elements?

I remove a white-hot log from sunset flames
just to watch it burn itself black.
Maybe then empathy will exist.

I learned in boy scouts (and always hoped I'd find myself with a beautiful woman when it happened)
that the best solution for hypothermia is to strip yourself of all clothing
and lie naked with the victim.

Perhaps that's what I need.

Guess What?

Chicken Butt. (Does anyone remember that one from elementary school?) Well, if we're being technical here, chicken butts. Five of them. Grilled in sauce on a skewer. Let's just say that I've eaten enough chicken butts this week that if you double that number, it would be well over my age. Why do we neglect so many delicious parts of the chicken in the U S of A?