Los Asian Persuasions

Mi casa es tu casa

2009-07-12T17:43:00.000-07:00

What's the first thing I heard upon disembarking the plane in Los Angeles? A. A bunch of gente speaking espanol. It was like chocolate for my ear drums. Where's the first place I went to eat? A. Cafe Rio. Of course, I ordered extra guacamole. Its funny that bits of Chinese have found their way into my Spanish.

People look much more diverse here in America...shape, size, skin, eye and hair color, etc. I'm no longer a celebrity who's being asked to pose in family photos with complete strangers. I'm starving because I've eaten out every meal for the last 6 months and can't seem to develop a desire to cook. I'm almost overwhelmed with the new prospects of eavesdropping on others' conversations and lazily avoiding creating my own. Most of all, though, I'm happy to be home with mi familia. I learned some great life lessons from the people in Taiwan and I'm excited to put them to the test in my upcoming adventures.

A Miraculous Milestone

2009-06-24T01:27:00.000-07:00

Remember how the 2.5 year old Lori would cry all day long when she came to English school? Well, now look at her! Its great to be able to enjoy her adorable personality since she's adjusted to the idea of learning a foreign language.

When the Men Volunteer to Cook Sunday Dinner...

2009-06-24T01:14:00.000-07:00

Holly has a gluten allergy, thus the fancy steak and veggies. We made her surrender her fork immediately after the blessing of the food. Patrons were disallowed any usage of utensils throughout the duration of the meal. They drank water from bowls, but could not use their hands. I feel a greater connection now to our common ancestor, cro magnon man. Given my current hair growth pattern it will soon be extremely difficult to distinguish between the two of us.

The post-dinner spaghetti art gallery was also a hit. We fed the leftovers to our students because most of us were too grossed out to eat food that people had fingered so much...poor unsuspecting students.

The Old Man and the Computer

2009-06-23T04:32:00.000-07:00

First of all, a question. What is the most annoying ride at Disneyland? Yes, you're right, "It's a small world." You know it if you've been there. This song's capacity to completely take over the cranium is creepy. The message is true, however, and an experience this weekend reminded me of this fact. P.S. The small world decreases in size exponentially when you're a mormon.

Some of you may recall my experience of singing in the Chinese choir when Elder Bednar came to visit (see april post). It just so happened that my roommate this weekend in temple housing was the same guy singing next to me in the choir. What are the chances?

I will refer to him as "Om" (old man) from here on out since I have no idea what his name is. Om had rented himself a nice laptop and asked me to help him learn how to use it. First of all, my Chinese isn't that great yet. Second, I don't even know how to run a computer when everything is English. I obliged to do my best, though.

We both sit down on his bed as I put the laptop on my lap...imagine that. Om is wearing nothing but his underwear, a smile and glasses that needed to be amplified significantly judging by how close his face is to the computer. His ear hair is nearly tickling my lips as he is straining to see what's happening on the screen. He's negating every single move I make as being unnecessary and not what he wants. Finally, I find a large folder containing the church history in Chinese. He is thrilled and gives me an enthusiastic thumbs up. Om proceeds to attempt to read the whole Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints history to me in Chinese. I feel really close to Om. I'm sad that I am so hungry and leave to go get some fried rice.

Duplicity

2009-06-23T04:22:00.000-07:00

Living in a bog
with dead sheep
has never smelled too great.
Rotting carcasses rarely appeal to my olfactories.

Some of my most cherished memories, though, are associated with mud.
The mind and heart are contrary historians...
Maybe it was the revelation wrought upon by lacy lingerie;
Perhaps it was the goose-pimple-evoking sprays emitted from the garden hose.
Possible neither mind nor heart were involved.
A certainty is this: a shower never felt so refreshing.

Sometimes the stench remains
despite the soap and shampoo.
I've just learned to put on lots of cologne.
(even though frequently the cost is too great for me to obtain it...
maybe I'm just a cheapskate?)

It is a rare occurence
but once in a while
someone will comment,
"Dane, you smell really nice!"
Moments like these
ignite desires in me
to build a real house
and burn incense
all day long.

Wanderlust

2009-06-23T04:09:00.000-07:00

wanders into my lusts
a botfly largely unnoticed
until my flesh changes color
pain envelops me
It must be removed

This time around the extraction afflicts more than the incubation
stretching my nerves well beyond the zone of comfort
weeping in agony
while secretly wishing for more bugs to impregnate my skin with their offspring
a gluttonous obsession with punishment
where all my days are spent
saturating myself with sugar water
and then standing underneath a neon-blue bug zapper
enjoying the smoky smell of burning insects
and larvae crawling through my skin
simultaneously.

What's in a Name?

2009-06-16T20:46:00.001-07:00

Angel

Zero

Blue

Lion

I recently finished reading Freakonomics, where a study about names and how they correlate with the child's mother's educational level can be read. One of the kids was named, "Shithead" (pronounced---shuh TEED). What level of education do you suppose his mother attained?

All these odd-named (Angel isn't that odd, I guess) bambinos just happen to be in the lowest level class together. Is it mere coincidence that the students with the strangest names have the least proficiency in English?

Help Us Bob, Please

2009-06-12T01:03:00.000-07:00

Does anyone know if Bob Barker is still alive? If you happen upon the man, could you send him over here, please? We're having severe problems with the pet population and we could use a little pep talk.

Cooper...Or As Sharlene Says, "Pooper"

2009-06-11T06:51:00.000-07:00

I must modify a previous statement made here on this very blog. Julia won the honors of favorite student, thanks to her lagging attraction, when compared to her classroom counterparts, to sticking her finger into her brain via her nasal cavity (maybe the rest of the students are really Egyptian...I've always thought she looks a bit different than the others). I've now created a new category for favorite student awards: FMSOTY (Favorite Male Student of the Year). Cooper is a definite winner of the FMSOTY.

Cooper's latest fascinations include:

1. Feigning he is a T-Rex and using it as an excuse to leave imprints of his teeth in my epidermis. (which reminds me of the classic elementary school joke to tell someone that their epidermis is showing...almost everyone thought we were referring to something from the maturation program)

B. Impersonating (insert favorite Asian Kung-Fu master name here) and punching me as hard as he can in the knee whenever I say hi to him. Which reminds me of Kung Pao Enter the Fist..."From now on you will refer to me by the name of Betty." Youtube it and truly begin to live.

4. Parroting the teachers as he is continuously being heard telling other students to, "Sit down!" or issuing a stern reprimand of, "No Chinese!" He says it with such concern that you would think the guilty students were going to be hung from the ceiling by their thumbnails...hmmm...jk

2. Actually speaking English, which he didn't do much 6 months ago. He was cute before, but now that he finally communicates, he's adorable.

Nice Try

2009-06-08T20:05:00.000-07:00

Perhaps my favorite example of 'Chinglish,' the Chinese speaker's flattering, but oftentimes widely off-base attempt to use English.

Golden Birthday!

2009-05-26T21:19:00.000-07:00

I had no idea that golden birthdays even existed until I decided to have one. Yesterday, I turned 26 on the 26th. Supposedly this year will prove to be my most prosperous yet. I have reason to believe it as it seems that life just keeps getting more exciting as time goes on.

Leave it to Molly to come up with an awesome way to celebrate. She would lick mice as a child and I caught her the other day rubbing tomatoes on her nose to improve her skin. She decided that we should go to the bike path and have a parade. Just imagine the smiles, laughs and quizzical looks we brought to people as they saw 6 foreigners on 3-person bikes laughing hysterically. If you haven't been on a 3-person bike lately, you had better do it ASAP. Time is precious. Spend it well. Ride 3-person bikes...

Or you could try your hand at the fastest go-karts I've ever ridden. I had a difficult time keeping my head attached to my neck...that's how fast we were going. Of course I drooled on myself because I was so excited. (The dentist says I have overactive salivary glands...that's my excuse.)

I felt like a king today, man! It was almost like I had two celebrations. The first took place with the American peeps and round two began with the Taiwanese. Gloria, Janae and Princess Victoria (the guy in the hat...i'll explain later) took me out to get what they call a "Mango Milk." Basically, it's shaved ice on steroids. Shaved ice, condensed milk, plum sauce and tons of mango combine for a wonderful treat.

I think it's been quite a while since I've even celebrated my birthday. I just haven't been with anyone I really know the last few years wandering around Alaska doing odd-jobs. From now on I'm going to make sure I'm living with 8 girls every time that day rolls around. They just know how to make someone feel special.

Fertility Rate?

2009-05-26T21:12:00.000-07:00

The reason most Taiwanese keep their families to one or two children:

One of the most common phrases I hear is, "but that's too dangerous." I've been told this on multiple occasions, ranging from the mundane, 'kids can't stand on a chair to erase the board because it's too dangerous,' to the slightly and I do mean slightly more believable, 'you can't go hiking because it's too dangerous.' Oh, the best one was being told that balloon volleyball wasn't kosher because of the dangers involved. How many people were seriously injured last year while playing? Maybe more people die from it than I'm aware. It's fascinating to me that in a country that is perpetually petrified of everything (people were in a frenzy because stores ran out of face masks when swine flu broke out), they would throw this many kids on a scooter without helmets. Contradictions have always intrigued me.

Two Taiwanese Fruits

2009-05-24T06:54:00.000-07:00

Taiwan has exposed me to a variety of fruits that I've never seen anywhere else. Some, like Durian, I never care to eat again. In case you choose to not follow that link, let me include a paragraph that sums it up pretty well:

"The edible flesh emits a distinctive odour, strong and penetrating even when the husk is intact. Some people regard the durian as fragrant; others find the aroma overpowering and offensive. The smell evokes reactions from deep appreciation to intense disgust. The odour has led to the fruit's banishment from certain hotels and public transportation in southeast Asia."

I personally think it should be banned from the world, but whatever.

And then we have the glorious Litchi of which I just can't get enough. I know wikipedia isn't the most reliable of sources, but it says Litchi can be found in California, Hawaii and Florida. How come I've never seen it? Any Americans out there seen fresh litchi in their local grocery store? Cause if you have, then I'm moving in with you...this stuff's delicious.

A Couple of Cool Old Men and 12,749 Feet

2009-05-24T04:02:00.000-07:00

I knew absolutely nothing about our (Gloria, Joseph and I plus our hiking club buddies) trip to Syue Mountain before leaving. Everything was a surprise. Since Taiwan is a relatively small island, I figured getting there would be a relatively short trip. Boy was I wrong! We left Feng Yuan on Saturday at 7:40 P.M. and arrived at our mountain hostel nearly 6.5 hours later at 2:00 A.M. The bus ride was perhaps the most grueling I've ever experienced. You know that feeling when you're completely exhausted but you just can't sleep? Well, don't worry, the bus driver clicked the tube onto the Yankees vs. Blue Jays game and we all know how exciting baseball is to watch on T.V., right? It's almost a toss up between baseball and golf with baseball barely edging out golf in the enjoyment category. I was asleep by the bottom of the 1st inning.

My first thought upon disembarking our chariot of fire was, "Wow, I'm breathing fresh mountain air!" This is certainly a novelty here in Taiwan. I was thrilled to be in nature with the sounds of bugs and frogs serenading me to sleep instead of cars, scooters and fireworks. I slept soundly that first night, although I never did catch the name of the guy sleeping next to me whom I most certainly clobbered with elbows at some point during the night seeing we were sleeping close enough for me to feel (and luckily not smell) his breath.

The Confucian group-mindedness was at times great cause for frustration for us individualistic Americans. These pre-hiking calisthenics were a wonderful opportunity for a round of laughter, though. I've never begun a hike this way before. The matching vests served to designate us as trash collectors. I thought it was a cool thing to help take care of the environment, especially while wearing the sexy vests.

Mr. Gi, the man wearing rubber boots, was one of our guides. This guy was a certified bad mamma jamma. He is 74 years old, ran a marathon last year...barefoot, spends 260 days out of the year on mountains, packed all of our cooking gear and most of our food and then cooked it for us (DELECTABLE!), and never spoke a word of Chinese. This added to his mountain man, untouchable aura as Taiwanese sounds so powerful and rustic. Keep in mind that the trail was 14 miles in length and changed from 6,561 ft. elevation at the trailhead to 12,749 ft. at the top, where Mr. Gi became a celebrity with a line of folks waiting to get their pictures taken with him. I was inspired by his endurance and his obvious joy at doing what he loves.

Dick was a climbing instructor on both Mount Everest and K2. He is now 74 years old and ran his last marathon 3 years ago. Doesn't this picture just scream mountain man? He was our other guide and since he spent a lot of time in English speaking climbing schools, we could communicate pretty well.

Our second night's, concentration camp-esque accomodations turned out to be a blessing as far as keeping warm goes. But, somehow, sleeping on plywood like a sardine with a roomful of 20 snoring people didn't lend itself to much rest. Luckily we got up at 3:00 A.M. to start hiking that day so we could see the sunrise. I don't know how much longer I could've endured rolling from side to side in hopes of catching a few Zs.

The rhododendrons were in full bloom and were spectacular.

Gloria, Joseph and I from the top of the trail. Often I hear people talk about going into nature to commune with God and to feel his presence in greater abundance. I certainly felt that on this trip, but even more I felt the inspiring power of human beings. The people I met and the already-existing friendships I deepened were definitely the highlights of the trip.

Theme Park Thrills

2009-05-24T03:24:00.000-07:00

Has anyone noticed my unnecessarily heavy use of alliterations in my blog titles? Anywho, Yamay theme park is comparable to Lagoon in size and thrill level of the rides. The reflections of the extremely conservative culture were apparent at this park. For example, the line for the off-track roller-coaster pictured below was completely non-existent. Jaimie and I were asked to wait for other people to join us so that they didn't have to make the uneconomical move and allow the coaster to run its course empty. I admit, the ride from the front was quite thrilling as we came to the edge of the track. It seemed as though the coaster would just continue and plunge 300 feet into the ground below. Then, the track slowly rotated to attach itself to the rest of the coaster and the ride unexpectedly began.

Example number two: The wave pool at the water park required patrons to wear life jackets if they went past a certain depth...a rule that was very strictly enforced (the water wasn't even up to my nipples). The waves were also quite puny, but maybe my memory of wave pools past is obscured by the fact that I was merely a boy and everything seemed big back then. I'll stop here with number three: The water park had an area where we could try our hand at body surfing. Perhaps this is standard procedure everywhere, but it intrigued me that we were equipped with helmets, gloves and protective footwear before we were allowed to participate.

By no means does this mean that we didn't laugh ourselves silly and have a great time celebrating Jaimie's birthday. Do you ever wonder if you have different personalities that fit different situations? Maybe the emotions I experienced on this day were just side affects of an adrenaline overdose, but I felt like my body and mind underwent some sort of magical modification the second I stepped foot in that park. As I reflect, I'm quite certain that it happens every time I enter a theme park. The only drawbacks I ever have are: waiting in long lines and expensive food that tastes like a cat covered in sawdust. Neither of these were even a question as we visited the park on an idle Tuesday. The park was like a ghost town and I bought a chicken curry dish for six Washingtons that made my taste buds sing the Hallelujah chorus! It was such an awesome day!

Water and Falling

2009-05-23T23:45:00.000-07:00

This past week I've been flooded with inexplicable desires to ride my bike while wearing my bike shorts...and nothing else. Saturday, these longings were dammed as Jaimie and I embarked on a 1.5 hour scooter ride with a waterfall as our ultimate destination and I was fortunate enough to wear...you guessed it...nothing but my bike shorts. It felt liberating, let me tell you. We certainly attracted a lot more attention than usual. These are a few buddies (all chewing betel nut, by the way, which turns your teeth an attractive red color) who waved at us as we drove by so we stopped and visited with them. They offered us betel nut and fermented eggs. Ok, they smell fermented and the last time I ate one it was a completely unnatural black color. I declined the offer (mostly because my previous experience with eating one caused me to dry heave for at least 5 minutes prior to, during and after eating).

A backhoe was doing reconstructive surgery on the road we wanted to take, so we were forced to resort to a mountain path that was probably more suited for dirtbikes now that I think about it. Jaimie tried to get me to pretend I didn't speak Chinese so that the backhoe operator would just dismiss us as another pair of stupid foreigners and thus allow us to continue on our merry way. I may have spared myself some embarrassment had I followed her advice. The above-mentioned mountain path decided to eat part of my knee as it was forcefully jammed into the gravel by Jaimie and a falling scooter. A couple of lucky spectators were certainly provided some good entertainment.

Water is so refreshing!

I just finished reading, "The River of Doubt," a travel log documenting Teddy Roosevelt's journey down an uncharted river of the Amazon jungle. It's a fascinating read, however, I must admit that as I was diving underneath the waterfall, I kept having flashbacks to the accounts of people being completely devoured by piranhas. I guess I should've focused more on the time I spent in the Amazon...without being devoured. The mind is such a funny thing.

This spider was beautiful.

This reminded me of all the great times spent cliff jumping in the canals and rivers up home.

P.S. I put my shirt on for the drive home.

You Always Want What You Can't Have

2009-05-13T06:59:00.000-07:00

It's interesting that women in America flock to the cancer booths (aka tanning beds) like Olympic runners dash for the finish line, while here in Taiwan, women avoid the sun as if the slightest exposure would bring certain death. The American equation for beauty seems to be: skin + brown = beauty. The Taiwanese arithmetic is strikingly different: skin + white = beauty. This picture is just one example of an effort made to maintain whiteness--Molly wrapped every inch of exposed skin in her sarong out of fear of becoming tan.

Women here will wear sweaters while hiking, complain that it's too hot (which it certainly is when wearing a sweater), but then refuse to take off the very thing that is making them uncomfortable because doing so would mean exposure to the sun. Contrast this with American thinking, where generally speaking, tan lines are the major concern and women will roll up sleeves to expose as much skin as possible so the whole body becomes darker. Here they have makeup that will make you appear whiter. In America we have lotions that will make you look darker, etcetera, etcetera.

Basically:

As a rule, man's a fool.
When it's hot, he wants it cool.
When it's cool, he wants it hot,
always wanting what it's not
and never wanting what he's got.

Vanity

2009-05-12T21:47:00.000-07:00

These kids are some of my 'Kindergarten Enrichment' students. KE students generally have no prior exposure to English, so we have to keep things extremely basic. I don't know where this pre-class routine came from, but the kids look forward to making fun of my small muscles more than anything else. They can often be heard chanting, "You're weak! You're weak! You're weak!" I pretend to be uber-offended and proceed to try to break their hands, but they always end up inflicting more pain upon me due to my weakness. Repetition is the best teacher and no matter how hard I try to skirt around it, I'm convinced that I'm stuck doing this routine for the remaining 6 weeks of teaching. The kids would crush me otherwise.

Claustrophobia, Anyone?

2009-05-10T18:37:00.000-07:00

Molly and I (along with the camera man, Princess Victoria) visited this ant hill after our oyster harvest. Night markets are extremely popular in Taiwan. I really like the small-scale ones we have in Fengyuan, but Taichung's night markets are a little too chaotic for me to become a regular visitor. Once in a while, they're fun to visit, though.

Oh, The Oyster Harvest

2009-05-10T05:25:00.000-07:00

Have you ever harvested oysters? Apparently, it's an extremely popular activity at Gao Mei wetlands. I was fascinated by the various techniques people were using to gather the tasty treat. I wandered from person to person chatting with them about what they were doing, how many oysters they had and secretly hoped that one of them would invite me to join in the fun. A betel nut chewing buddy extended the long awaited invitation and put me to work. Within a span of 2 minutes I had gathered up a half dozen oysters and was feeling pretty perky. So, I decided to celebrate with some squid on a stick.

Cindysaurus

2009-05-10T04:42:00.000-07:00

Lately, Cindy has been my prime source of entertainment in my Basic Reading class. She makes the most unique sounds every time I even act like I'm about to touch her. It's when I actually do that she starts ramming my butt like it's mating season in the Rocky Mountains where she’s a sheep and my butt is the head of a competing male. Cindy is the top student in her whole Chinese class and she does really well in my English class, too. An outside observer would have extreme difficulty believing this story, however, because all they would see is Cindy headbutting anything and everything in sight. Most of the time, it's my rear end, but her targets have also included: the wall, my shinbones (my least favorite), desks, chairs, other students, my head, the whiteboard, the door, etc.

Her behavior began to concern me a while back (and my shins were getting bruised) so I asked the secretaries if they didn't think Cindy was a bit strange. Gloria told me, "Yeah, she's very strange. When she was in kindergarten, she wouldn't talk to anyone. She just pretended to be a dinosaur all day long. She would try to eat people and attack them. Carrie (one of the other secretaries) was so scared by her that she didn't want her to come to school anymore." I guess that says it.

Mr. Danger, Mr. Danger!!

2009-05-08T03:38:00.000-07:00

Cinco de Mayo!!

2009-05-08T01:58:00.000-07:00

That's Spanish for, "Man, I love guacamole and I sure wish Taiwan had some avocados." For those of you who are unaware, Cinco de Mayo is an essential holiday in Taiwan. It all began when a few days ago (on May 5th), a whole bunch of Mexicans (about 13) arrived here in Taiwan to give us the pig flu. We were so excited that we decided to celebrate and speak some Spanish.

P.S. The kids have no idea that I was teaching them Spanish that day and not English. 'Yo quiero Taco Bell' never sounded so good as it did coming out of those Taiwanese toddlers' lips!

Julia Goolia

2009-05-03T06:32:00.000-07:00

I know one is not to play favorites as a teacher, but one is also not encouraged to: hit students with bamboo sticks, fall asleep in class, speak Chinese with students, allow students to use four letter words (hey, it's good English practice, right?), or give students breaks that are over half as long as the total class period, but it happens.

Reasons that Julia is my favorite:

1. She's probably the only student I teach that I haven't caught with her finger buried up her nostril to the second knuckle. I'm sometimes extremely apprehensive about giving kids high fives and being left with a little present on my palm, but not with Julia.

Ok, maybe that's the solitary reason.

No, wait. I think I like her because she giggles at my mere presence. She is very easily amused by me for some reason. The other teachers often talk about her crying sporadically during class, but I have never heard her do anything except snicker, snort, shriek, split her sides, chuckle, chortle, cachinnate, guffaw, roll in the aisles, die laughing, be in stitches, and titter.

Feeding Ray

2009-05-03T05:55:00.000-07:00

Remember how Ray was so so so so so so hun hun hun hun hungry? So hungry, in fact, that he ate my arm fur? Well, we finally fed Ray some real food at the:

Ray's Mom wanted to tell me thank you for donating parts of my body to Ray's diet, so we went out for a nice dinner. Who would've thought I'd be eating German food and drinking Malzbier in Taiwan? German music sparkled in the background throughout the evening and as we left, the waitress told us "Dankeschoen." I always feel so strange when my mission life is resurrected in obscure restaurants in Taiwan. It happens more than you'd think. Like, once.

This one's for my shrimp-loving mother and grandmother. Yumm

By Taiwan standards, this restaurant was extremely expensive and classy. My meal cost about fifteen U.S. bones. Contrast that with my last night's meal of delicious bean noodles, veggies, and meat that cost me less than one dollar and you get some idea of just how elegant this place was attempting to be. That's why the bendy plastic straws surprised me. They actually made a valid effort to classify (as in, add class to...sorry, but I have no concept of speaking good English anymore after spending all day with persons who have no clue what English is) them, though. They were tied into various shapes and knots as they floated in our sparkling fruit tea desserts. Ray hooked everyone's together and tried drinking from this gigantic thing. What a funny guy! Weren't/aren't bendy straws such a great blessing?

Oops!

2009-04-23T01:11:00.000-07:00

I like to think that I have a little of an adventurous side. I've engaged in my share of 'extreme' sports in the past i.e. cooking with gas, watching the X-games highlights on Youtube, riding my bike with no hands, etcetera. Thus, it is with great shame that I announce how I became the not-so-proud recipient of these beauties. Any guesses anyone? Nope, I was not walking on, walking on broken glass (cue: Annie Lennox), although I did do that at a glass museum a little while back. No, I was not playing that ridiculous boy scout game where you have to stand still while your 'friend' throws a knife as close to your feet as possible. Swimming. Not ocean swimming getting bitten by ferocious sharks swimming. Nope. Swimming in a tranquil indoor pool swimming. Supposedly, on the day I decided to visit the pool, they released a flock, herd, swarm, or whatever of flesh-eating piranhas to increase the excitement. As if sharing a lane with 13 other people isn't thrilling enough. C'mon!

One of the lifeguards followed my bloody footprints to my resting place along with almost every other person swimming at the pool that night. I guess the red water, blood-stained poolside, and foreigner combination was too much to ignore. Luckily, two of the three hundred thirteen people surrounding me spoke English and graciously offered to take me to the hospital.

En route via Taxi we just so happened to slam into a scooter driver in the middle of a busy intersection. I was only paying enough attention to see his body flailing through the air into some nearby bushes. Isn't the timing of life's events hilarious sometimes? By law, our taxi was required to remain where it was for police investigation. Mr. Scooter Driver regained consciousness and shortly thereafter an ambulance arrived to whisk him away. Meanwhile, buses, scooters and cars were weaving their way around our damaged taxi with the bloody-foot man (me) in the back waiting anxiously for his ride (a substitute taxi) to take him, too.

A few shots, a little sewing and four U.S. dollars later (Hooray cheap medical care!!!!), my hospital adventure was over.

Is it wrong for me to still be laughing at the fact that we hit Mr. Scooter Driver?*

*No, it's not wrong, because you know you would be doing the exact same thing.

Monkey Mountain

2009-04-22T05:50:00.000-07:00

Those monkeys are actually wild monkeys Jaimie and I were able to see on our hike up a beautiful mountain on Saturday. It was cool to see them in the wild.

The signs with their funny English translations will never get old to me. What the #$%@ is pythoncidere? To think that I've spent 25 years of life not knowing about this is just ludicrous! I feel so ignorant. Oh well, I guess nicotine will have to suffice for now.

Little Lori

2009-04-22T02:17:00.001-07:00

Happy Easter! Doesn't she look thrilled? I would love to post a picture of Lori smiling, but most of her time at Berhan is spent sobbing and crying out in Chinese, "I want my mom!" You see, Lori is only 2.5 years old, so her desire to be with mommy is completely natural. There exists an interesting contradiction in Taiwanese culture concerning this situation. It is very common for Taiwanese children to sleep in the same room as their parents until they are 8 or 9 years old, but they send them off to school as soon as they turn 2. Hmmm? I guess they just need to prepare them for the days ahead where they'll spend their every waking hour in school (my writing students go from 7:30 A.M. to 9:00 P.M).

I'm anxiously awaiting the day Lori actually says something in English. I'm going to try to make her say something along the lines of, "Yes, Mr. Danger, you are the most ridiculous excuse for an ABC* I've ever seen."

*American-born Chinese (some days I feel like this is true...like I'm an egg...white on the outside and yellow on the inside and then there are those days where I feel as white as rice)

Sky, My Hairstyle Homie

2009-04-22T01:53:00.000-07:00

Sky will always hold a special place in my heart because each time I see him with his mullet and lightning bolt haircut, he reminds me of those glorious, pre-professional (I don't know if I'll ever truly feel or act 'professional'), college student years when I had the exact same thing. I guess there were some variations when I had the steps and my personal favorite...the EKG monitor. Oh to be a boy again!

Sky pretends: he is a robot every day.
Sky never: does anything anyone asks him to do. (also reminds me of myself in younger years)
Interestingly enough he: really enjoys sparkly, glittery, pinky, purply stuff. (I think the Taiwanese are in general quite the gender benders.)
Sky will probably: grow up, move to America and join the Hell's Angels, subsequently becoming the first member to wear a pink, glittery jacket while raising hell.

Chickety Chinese Choir

2009-04-21T22:00:00.000-07:00

Elder Bednar has been here in Taiwan for the last few days. We did a fireside with him on Friday night, had stake conference with him on Saturday and again on Sunday. I decided that I would embarrass myself and join the choir to sing....in Chinese! I thought it would be a good excuse to be as close to him as possible. And he would probably get a good laugh out of me trying to sing in Chickity Chinese the Chinese Chicken.

Let's just say that over these last three days, I have been very blessed to be taught by an apostle of Jesus Christ. I certainly felt the power of Elder Bednar's calling as he talked with us. The whole fireside on Friday night was just Elder Bednar answering questions that people in the audience would ask. It was awesome to see him respond with such powerful answers out of the scriptures and from personal experience. I felt it was a stunning visual/auditory testament to the scripture, "open your mouth, and then will it be filled." He obviously had not rehearsed his answers because the questions asked were very specific and he gave specific answers out of the scriptures. It was awesome!

I had been thinking the whole time that it would be so cool to speak German with Elder Bednar. He served his mission in Germany, after all. I told myself over and over, "You've got to speak to Elder Bednar in German!" I just had this burning desire and couldn't calm it down. I was singing in the choir, right? Well, after the sunday session of conference was over, I still hadn't talked to him. We all stood up in respect for Elder Bednar and as he was walking off the stand, I yelled at him (because he was pretty far away by this point) and said, "Elder Bednar!" He looked at me and I was nearly stunned into silence. Then, I stuttered a few times and finally managed to blurt out, "I was just wondering, do you speak German with President Uchtdorf?" He got a big smile on his face and said, in German, "Yes, we do it all the time." I was so overcome with joy and nervousness that I was rendered speechless for what seemed like a few minutes, but I was at last able to come through with, in German, "I think that's great!" I felt like a complete dork afterward for a little bit and everyone I was with was making fun of me and are still making fun of me. They are quick to mention that the whole chapel was completely quiet and reverent except for the yelling white man. (oh and everyone was staring at the yelling white man!) But, who's the one that got to speak to the apostle in German?

More Kiddies!

2009-04-14T01:30:00.000-07:00

I think the video speaks for itself. Aren't they adorable?

Cowabunga Dude!

2009-04-11T18:06:00.000-07:00

Danger versus the sea:
salt water slams into every orifice
causing blindness, gagging, and pain.
Round 1 goes to the sea.

Feeling the ocean's power,
I begin to understand why
people die doing this every year...and I'm barely chest-deep.
So I creep slowly out from the shore
seeking revenge
It's my turn to ride you like the County Fair's in town
as I drown in yet another face full of foam
and I'm shown that the second round also goes to the foe

but I know there must be some reason why
millions of people actually find this entertaining
and my neck's craning to find the perfect wave (like I know what that is)
and I paddle as if there's a life to save (there kind of is)
as I'm pushed and I ride exultantly all the way to shore
I'm sure it's Danger's battle
but the sea won the war.

The Island Life

2009-04-11T17:26:00.000-07:00

April 4th, 2009. Tombsweeping Festival. Taiwanese Holiday. No teaching. Reached the halfway point of the semester. Felt like I deserved a reward. Went on vacation. Snorkeling. Surfing. Hiking. Swimming. Relaxing. Deer farm. Salt water hot springs.

One of the many spectacular views on Green Island. We rented scooters and were able to drive around the island in about 30 minutes. It's small, but beautiful.

We met these guys from mainland China and ran into them everywhere on the island. They were super funny and like they always say: "It's always good to have a friend who lives in the place where all the cheap crap you own is made."

My travel buddies: Arwyn (in brown) and Jaimie. They were great at humoring me as I tried as much as possible to act like my Dad on this vacation. This entails: waking up at abnormal hours in the morning singing strange songs about the vacation, creating a trip language, and basically releasing all insanity from my body in an area where I will never see the people again. I probably gave the folks here a bit distorted version of what Amercians are like, but I feel justified in knowing that my insanity was released on strangers instead of my poor little students.

Yuanzuei Mountain

2009-03-31T17:47:00.000-07:00

We (Gloria, Megan, Joseph, Derrick and I) took a trip on Saturday to Yuanzuei Mountain to go on a hike. I use the term hike very loosely here. Megan is still not completely mobile and it's Wednesday. It felt like we did more scrambling up sheer rock faces than we did hiking, which was completely ok with me. We manly men made it a goal to use the ropes as little as possible. This definitely got my adrenaline pumping at times as this mountain is reminiscent of the top of Angel's Landing with no more than 10 to 15 feet of footing and humongous cliffs on either side.

The forest we hiked through on our way down was spectacular! It was difficult to capture the splendor on camera, but this one does a fairly good job of it.

It felt wonderful to truly be out in nature. As far as we could see (which wasn't entirely far because the mountain was pretty socked in with fog) nature stretched out before us. It was a great exercise in imagination. We could see the cliff face descending sharply before our feet, but couldn't really see the bottom of the cliff, so we just imagined what the view would be like if we could see. The fog did lift enough a few times, though so we could catch the grandeur of the area. The density of the trees and the abundance of green gave me the impression that I was on the Oregon coast again. The whole trip was refreshing.

Fourth Grade Foolios

2009-03-27T03:59:00.000-07:00

The video of this class was an exercise to drown my boredom in irregularity. Actually, these guys are quite entertaining when we start making plans of how to burn Berhan (the school) and perform other illegal activities. It's when we're reading "20,000 Baseball Cards Under the Sea" and "Alice in Wonderland" that I have problems dozing off.

P.J.---likes: having fun at break time
dislikes: giving Mr. Danger massages at break time
is forced to regularly: give Mr. Danger massages at break time
will certainly: receive 100 percent on every test and assignment from now into eternity

Luke

likes: using his razor blade to cut the faces off the people in all his books
dislikes: being blindfolded, kicked, poked, and smacked by the rest of the class
sometimes: asks if he can go poo-poo instead of asking to go to the bathroom
always: sketches instead of whatever else everyone else is doing...Exhibit A can be seen below:

Isn't that adorable?

Leia

Luke's twin sister...do you think their parents ever watched Star Wars? I don't think you can tell in this picture, but she crimps her hair every day and it looks sweet. She's currently number one on my favorite girl students list for this class, as she is the only one of them who doesn't run as far away from me as possible every time I see her in fear of "The Stinky Cheese Touch."*

*For those of you who are ignorant when it comes to this, please read the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series by Jeff Kinney. They are some of the most hilarious books I've read.

Basic Reading Babies

2009-03-26T22:30:00.000-07:00

These babies are all around 7 or 8 years old. Much of their communication, when it moves beyond the basic realms of bodily functions and the body parts that perform those functions, consists of gesticulations and grunts. The entertainment is endless as I listen to their unbelievable abilities to make sounds I've never even heard. Their struggles to communicate have some wonderful positive externalities, however. Were you to spend more than five seconds with these kids you would certainly recognize, for instance, that they've all developed a keen ability for sketching what it is they are trying to say and I'm quite certain that given the opportunity, one of these kids would become a world champion beat-boxer. So, if you're looking to get your rear end handed to you in a game of Pictionary or Charades, or if you sense some insatiable urge to feel completely misunderstood, just come visit this class and all your wildest dreams will come true.

Ray has been blessed with overactive olfactories...at least that's my explanation as to why he is constantly sniffing my arms and neck. He honestly reminds me of a little puppy. Contrary to my ape-like genetics, Taiwanese people are rarely found with any body hair. Ray's fascination with my hair is hilarious. He will often contently stroke my arm hair as if I were his pet rabbit for our entire 10-minute break time. Once he surprised me by asking, "Can I eat your fur?" I thought, "What's the harm in him eating something I don't have?" I obliged and regretted it five seconds later when suddenly I was now short a mouthful of arm hair. Moral of the story: never say yes to anything a child asks you to do.

The one gazing deceitfully at the camera is Jasper. He is half Koala, half human. Whenever I come into class, he tightly clings to my legs as if the floor he is standing on were infested by flesh-eating piranhas. To the right is Jellen. He falls asleep a lot in class. He is the object of my envy.

Kindergarten Kiddies

2009-03-25T18:47:00.000-07:00

Even though many moments spent teaching are moments spent in complete emotional, spiritual, and physical exhaustion, others are spent in moments of thinking: "Shut the $#@% up before I beat you with a bamboo stick!" which requires complete emotional, spiritual, and especially physical control. Days do exist, though where I find them completely adorable. These are days when I am enabled, through the grace of God to transform from their teacher into a mere passive observer. The day upon which these photos were taken serves as an immaculate example of how children undergo some magical devil to angel transfiguration when they are no longer 'my children.' Their Chinese kindergarten teachers took the reins (which tightened considerably, I'm sure upon the children being able to understand what they were told to do) for the day as we took our first and probably only field trip. (I just don't think the Chinese teachers were too thrilled when one us 'accidentally' pushed one of the kids into the fish feeding pond).

Rex is the man you see above. It is widely believed that he has autism. I think its cute how he's fascinated with the ceiling fan and will stare at it for days without proper intervention. He also does the same thing with the cd player. He's a cute kid and I'm sometimes secretly envious of his ability to seemingly completely detach himself from everything.

This is Shayla, Queen of Indistinguishable Utterances. Maybe it's her overbite that causes what she says to be extremely muffled, or perhaps it's that she's not old enough to speak--in any language. Her obvious overbite combined with some wicked pigtails a few days ago to make me feel that I was in Chinese Who-ville. She's great for my sense of humor self-esteem because everything I do or say in Shayla's mind is gut-ripping hilarious and when she laughs, it sounds like she's been smoking since the day she left the womb.

This is Sharon, Daughter of Destruction. She looks and acts sweet most of the time, but has been known to destroy complete collections of students' artwork in less than thirty seconds. When I am excusing these little buggers to go home or to their next class, I sometimes get their attention by asking, "Who has the biggest smile on their face?" Sharon evidently has underdeveloped facial muscles, because no matter how hard she tries, she can't seem to get those lips to curve upward. The faces she makes in the attempt are priceless, though.

Jenny, one of the Chinese teachers is demonstrating how to properly herd children. Thanks to her and others like her, I was able to see my kids as kids for a day. Days like this will hopefully become less of a necessity in the future as I learn to rely upon things other than bamboo to control my class.

Romance in Asia

2009-03-22T05:12:00.000-07:00

Hanna, the other white person in the picture and fellow SUU alumni, is teaching at a school in a neighboring city. She's been trying to play matchmaker [cue: Fiddler on the Roof music (man, i love that play!)] for a couple of months now. Saturday marked the culmination of her tireless efforts when Joseph and I took a trip to meet up with her and Molly (my date and the non-white person in the picture...we decided she's a beige color. And you know what they say: "The beige don't age! I'd never have guessed that she was 30. Am I completely misusing the little bracket things?)

I found it quite humorous that in the middle of a historic tour of Lugang, we found these authentic warriors. TMNT (teenage mutant ninja turtles) (I think I just like to use these brackets) was one of my faves growing up.

This sounds like the spot to me! If only my conscience had not been educated against 'alcoholic revelry' a.k.a getting smashed, being wasted, drunk, etc.

A Taiwanese version of "Ripley's Believe It or Not" museum. It reminded me of the one our family visited while in Jackson Hole. If you're ever in the area, in fact, even if you're not in the area, make yourself be in the area, cause it's worth seeing and believing...or not.

We visited a glass factory/museum, which was very entertaining. Parts of it seemed almost like a funhouse with all manner of mirrors, illusions and surprises. The artwork was unbelievable and we actually had the opportunity to watch one of the artists make some glass dolphins.

The doorstep scene was rather anticlimatic (par for the course). It consisted of Molly and Hanna dropping me, Joseph and two other friends off at the train station. It's not like I expected anything. I mean, you're talking to a guy who hasn't kissed a girl in well over two years, but I usually get at least a hug. Taiwanese are supposedly known for not being affectionate and I think it would have been an awkward hug over the steering wheel anyway. I thought it best to say thanks and just get out of the car.

With un-hugged arms I returned to my humble abode to find that I was going to get some lovin' after all. My little animae princess was unexpectedly waiting for me. And they all lived happily ever after. THE END

What's that smell?

2009-03-22T02:12:00.000-07:00

Given the fact that Taiwanese houses do not have garbage disposals, I take great pride in the fact that I have become the human equivalent for our home. Words have a way of spreading quickly here in our minute English teaching world and it seems that Gloria has set out to put "Mr. Danger's Dynamic Disposal" to the test. Last week, when given durian, a fruit that smells like rotten onions, the disposal nearly failed, but after minutes (that seemed like hours) of dry heaving and gagging, the disposal diligently did its duty, thereafter resolving to never come within a 30 meter radius of durian again. Ever. Not even if forced by gunpoint (which shouldn't be a problem here, as I'm told that no one really has a gun).

Evidently, rotten onion fruit did not provide sufficient suffering for the disposal man, so Gloria, Joseph and I found ourselves one night on a quest for 'stinky tofu,' which is code for, "the local pig farm lacks storage space for their pigs' discharged meals, so we grind it up, smash it down, call it tofu and serve it as food." Gloria's description of stinky tofu being reminiscent of a pig's house is a bit of an understatement. Some of my students regularly complain to me about living too close to vendors that prepare the stuff and wholeheartedly state that it makes their entire house stink. I had a difficult time believing them until I smelled my own breath the morning after eating it. I nearly had to use my pillow as a puke-sack.

Did you ever get that weird advice that to make yourself a healthier person, you should make certain to chew your food at least 24 times before swallowing? Normally, I completely disregard that statement. Last time I checked, my chew/swallow ratio stood right at 7 to 1. I don't eat food. I inhale it. This has become even more obvious here, where it is considered completely normal to bring your plate or bowl to your face and shovel in as much food as possible, as rapidly as possible. To illuminate the effects this has had on my eating habits, allow me to mention that my pre-Taiwan chew/swallow ratio was about 13 to 1.

Anywho, suffice it to say that for that miniature square of tofu you see in the video, my chew/swallow ratio skyrocketed to somewhere around 116 to 1. I guess that first bite was extremely deceptive and I must partially retract the statement, "it tastes a whole lot better than it smells." It's not entirely false. It does taste better than it smells, but probably not a whole lot better and when it's a pig house you're smelling, anything will taste better. The wafts of pig dung-esque smells caused my taste buds to go on a vacation to shrimp fried rice land where they actually took up residence. I don't think they were encouraged whatsoever by Gloria's explanation as to why the tofu reeks like the Great Wall of Death:

Dane and Joseph: "So, Gloria, what makes it stink so badly?"
Gloria: "Well, they steep it in horse urine."
Dane and Joseph: [dry heaving sounds while looking for a bucket or plastic bag...faces go green] "WHAT?"

Yes, Dane the disposal has been discredited. I have since decided to make a list of foods I don't like:
1. Durian
2. Stinky Tofu
3. Menudo (cow's stomach mexican style)

and a list of interesting foods I do enjoy:
1. Sheep and Dog milk (not mixed, but each enjoyed separately)
2. Various pig parts...ears, intestines, etc.
3. Chicken butt
4. Pig's stomach a la puerto rico

I'm hoping that in the next few months I'll be exposed to more of the latter and less of the former.

Bathroom Boredom

2009-03-16T21:12:00.000-07:00

I was just curious to see if this video thing would work...and I was bored in the bathroom. What does it say about me that this is my first and only video?

Picture Game

2009-03-16T20:56:00.000-07:00

Here's a fun one to try on for size: grab a willing photographer (and by photographer, I mean someone who can push a button with their finger) and a couple friends who aren't ashamed to look ridiculously foolish. Spend the next two minutes making as many weird faces as possible while advising your photographer to snap away. I promise you at least a few minutes of hysteria as you look through the resultant photos. For us, it lasted about 2 hours and it still brings a smile to my face just thinking about it. This little activity made that six dollars we spent for a 5 minute ferris wheel ride well worth it.

My First Taiwan Dream

2009-03-11T21:11:00.001-07:00

Sorry to bring politics into the mix, but I was startled a few mornings past when upon awakening, I realized I had remembered my first dream in Taiwan...Yes, I did dream about dating Barack Obama. It was strange because as I told him goodbye at the white house doors I called him President. He got this funny look in his eye, looked at me and said, "Its Barack."

Had any weird dreams lately? Better yet, can anyone interpret this one for me? Maybe all those times merrily singing Obama Girl's hit single, "I've got a crush on Obama"did have an impact upon my subconscious.

Feed the Birds...but don't bring them on the bus!

2009-03-08T04:20:00.000-07:00

Mary Poppins would've had a canary over this one. We had to duct tape our birds' beaks shut and stuff them into Arwyn's purse when we got on this bus. How were we to know birds weren't allowed? Had we not had Fenny, our taiwanese friend with us, I don't know how we would've ever figured out how to get those birds on the bus. Have you ever tried acting out duct tape with gestures?

An interesting name for a restaurant, don't you think? At least I think it was a restaurant.

The lady in the background is TICKED (at least she looks so in this picture). I think it may have upset her that we just took pictures and didn't purchase anything.
These are my Taiwanese girlfriends I met in Alaska. Today I met up with them here in Taiwan. It was a joyful reunion and this time, we could actually communicate...somewhat. They have all taken it upon themselves to play taiwanese matchmaker for me. Their first victim was the most beautiful girl I've seen in Taiwan who just so happened to be our waittress. They had her sit down right next to me while they explained to her that we were to become boyfriend and girlfriend. The girl's name was Van and when I told her that was my mom's name she got really excited. Anywho, it was fascinating to me that I was hanging out with people in Taiwan whom I met in Alaska. It still kind of blows my mind. Have you had any of those, "It's a small world after all" experiences lately?

Thoughts from Dane's Brain

2009-03-07T05:42:00.000-08:00

A fire roars.
The thermostat reads 71 degrees Fahrenheit.
Yet I stand here,
clothed in five layers
with a Peruvian winter cap
Shivering.
Just moments before
I stood in the same room
with significantly less clothes
and I felt warmth.

Do you ever wonder if all God ever wanted was for us to garden naked?

How low would the silver mercury dip or how high would it rise when left unshielded and exposed to the elements?

I remove a white-hot log from sunset flames
just to watch it burn itself black.
Maybe then empathy will exist.

I learned in boy scouts (and always hoped I'd find myself with a beautiful woman when it happened)
that the best solution for hypothermia is to strip yourself of all clothing
and lie naked with the victim.

Perhaps that's what I need.

Guess What?

2009-03-01T01:11:00.000-08:00

Chicken Butt. (Does anyone remember that one from elementary school?) Well, if we're being technical here, chicken butts. Five of them. Grilled in sauce on a skewer. Let's just say that I've eaten enough chicken butts this week that if you double that number, it would be well over my age. Why do we neglect so many delicious parts of the chicken in the U S of A?

Pharisaical Folly

2009-02-26T00:32:00.000-08:00

I have one student who seems perpetually doomed, or blessed, depending upon how you look at it, to fall asleep in my class every single day. The poor little guy then has his chair taken from him by the secretaries and is forced to stand for the remainder of class in a feeble attempt to keep him awake and paying attention. Someone definitely needs to do something like that to me...and quickly...before the parents catch wind of their child's teacher snoozing away their $2,000 per semester education. I try to sneak the AC on, but I'm always getting caught and scolded because the school rules say that only if the temperature is above 82.4 degrees fahrenheit may the air be turned on. I swear that it has been at least 82.3 every single sweaty day this week. I think dozing off is my natural defense mechanism against drowning in my own perspiration. I will definitely try to lighten up on my nearly narcoleptic child, though, after experiencing first hand just how difficult it is to stay awake sometimes.

What's your favorite sleeping in school experience?

p.s. vicki...I did some research and it is in fact, 'cheer up sleepy jean.' Maybe subconsciously I was singing it the other way to try to enliven my lethargic self.

Karaoke Crush

2009-02-22T02:55:00.000-08:00

KTV. Its an acronym that stands for Komplete Total Vantastic (at least that's what it means to me now after our Friday night extravaganza). I actually have no idea what KTV stands for, but its karaoke at its finest. We paid about 7 bucks to have all you can eat yummy Asian food and all you can sing songs for 3 hours! A screamin' deal if you ask me, which you didn't but I'll tell you anyway...it was a screamin' deal. Consequently I have had many bizarre songs in my head the last two days. I desperately long to dislodge many of them from my brain, but some of them won't leave. Here are the songs (not in order of appearance in my mind): 1. Can't fight the Moonlight...Probably one of my least favorite songs of the night, but every time I wake up I find myself standing on top of my bed holding my alarm clock as a microphone and shouting, "Its a magical feeling, so right, it will steal your heart tonight!" Leann Rimes never sounded worse. 2. Daydream Believer...This is a pleasant one and I plan on singing it to my students who inevitably fall asleep every single time we try to read in class..."Wake up sleepy Jean!" 3. Fergalicious (chief I thought of you on this one) Doing karaoke during the rapping sections of this song made me feel so gangster and a little scandolous as I sang about putting boys on 'rock, rock.' 4. Obladi, Oblada by the Beatles. I think I will make this my mantra for teaching from now on. 5. Can You Feel the Love Tonight...This one reminded me of my first real crush from 6th grade. Her name was Ulelia Gonzalez. The serendipitous nature of our relationship had us placed directly across from each other during choir class as we rehearsed this song. I remember staring at her the whole time I was singing my heart out. It was always awkward when we made eye contact, though. I love how songs can bring back so many memories and create completely new ones. Tonight for example, we were all jamming out on guitars, singing Blind Melon's 'No Rain.' It was magical. What's your favorite Karaoke song?

Friends of FengYuan

2009-02-15T03:11:00.000-08:00

This is part of my Taiwanese family, Lillian on my right and Hu ma ma (that's what I call her---Hu is her last name). Lillian is going to Austria in a few days and I've been teaching her German as she teaches me Chinese. Once she leaves, her dad, Thomas and I will continue the language exchange...minus the German...in other words, I'll be teaching him English. We biked 18 miles (a ways for me) on this day and had a nice lunch. They've been extremely kind to me and have helped a lot with the transition to life here. It is also with them that I first tried pigs' ear.* Guten Appetit!

This is Vivian. She also celebrated the Lantern Festival with us. We ate oyster omelets together this week and she beat me at arcade basketball. Man, that ticked me off! I scored over three hundred points. My performance was Jordan-esque, or so I thought. Does anyone remember when Dennis Rodman played for the Bulls, by the way? I had a laughing attack a while back while thinking about 'the Worm.' Last I heard, he married himself shortly after kicking a camera man in the crotch. Just a side note. We also played the Asian version of Guitar Hero. They had these huge traditional drums that we banged on to drumming music. It was a blast and of course---she whooped on me there, too.

(From left to right) Holly, Derrick, me, Molly, and Jaimie...friends and fellow teachers. We celebrated the lantern festival by lighting candles, putting them in the lanterns, walking to a park, and burning the lanterns. Sometimes lanterns are released into the air with wishes written on them in hopes that the gods will read them and grant the wishes. What did I wish for? Greater arcade abilities, of course.

I thought it was interesting that this huge Christian church was in the middle of a college campus. I think I remember my friend saying it was over 100 years old...maybe.

This one's for all y'all back at the farm. My friend showed me the university dairy. I think they had about 50 cows or so. Happy cows come from California? Yeah right! Happy cows come from Taiwan (and the Hess Dairy). Most of their dairy products are shipped from New Zealand, actually, which makes them relatively expensive and so, although I will probably be nixed from the will for admitting this, I decided to try soy milk...and I liked it...sorry Dad...I still love you!

*I also tried pig intestines last night for the first time and they tasted like bacon.

A bad haircut and a stiff neck

2009-02-08T01:01:00.000-08:00

The beautiful woman to my right is Gloria, a dear friend who shares in my love of outdoor activities. Its quite nice that she's also my co-worker so I get to see her frequently. We've had some good times this week traveling to various doctors and taking hikes. This is a photo taken on a mountain just outside of the city of Feng Yuan where I live. If I am feeling really ambitious (which has happened once since I've been here) I can ride my bike from home to the beginning of the hiking trails, hike to the top and ride back all in about 45 minutes. Its nice that a natural getaway is not too far out of reach.

Gloria's daughter, Vivian is one of Derrick's (my roommate) students. She, like Gloria is a very outgoing and vivacious soul. I have gotten to know Vivian pretty well, too because she's interested in learning Spanish. Anywho, yesterday as I was indulging in a combination haircut, massage, and shampoo (done all at the same place by the same person for the price you would pay for just a haircut in America---cool,eh?) Vivian waltzed in and asked me if I wanted to go play baseball. I was wondering how she knew I was there, when Derrick walked in and said, "Yeah, she just called the school and said Gloria told her that we were looking to do some exercise, so do you want to go?" I was stoked until she said they were leaving at 1:50 and I looked down to read my watch...1:45. I had only finished the massage and shampoo portion of my treatment. How was this going to work? Well, in severely broken Chinese, I told the lady, "I have a beautiful face, so it doesn't matter what my hair looks like." I think she took me and the others around her literally as we urged her to just hurry and finish. We were looking for speed, not precision. What did we get? Speed, not precision. Sure, my hair looks great when I comb it forward and disguise the jagged length discrepancies, but when I wish to wear it in my preffered spiked style, the discrepancies are painfully apparent. In the lady's defense, when I was asked what I wanted my hair to look like (at least I think that's what she was asking) I turned to a picture of Brad Pitt and gave her the thumbs up sign. I didn't really pay attention to what his hair looked like, but assumed that having the same haircut as Brad Pitt would somehow automatically double my good-looking points, not taking into account the fact that Hollywood's styles are rarely, if ever, truly desirable.

Massage, shampoo, haircut (some of them were cut and some were not)---check. We rushed out the door excited to get to the baseball. We met up with 3 of Vivian's friends and after a short train ride we arrived at the 'field' which turned out to be an arcade with batting cages and a pitching simulator. It felt good to spank a few homers a la Barry Bonds. Exercise?---highly unlikely. More fun than a barrel of monkeys? Definitely. Worth the expense of slaughtered hair? Certainly.

Did I mention that Vivian is one of Derrick's students? He and I continuously cracked up about the whole situation. Two male teachers, both in their mid twenties going out for a full day of arcades, shopping and dinner with a seventeen year old female student and her three seventeen year old female friends? It may sound a bit creepy to you, but it was done with Gloria's complete consent. It was a wonderful time...and if I'm honest, I think my neck is sore from all of the twisting during batting practice. I got my exercise after all.

This sign was in the penguin exhibit. Has anyone been studying the effects of Hubbub on penguins and can enlighten me as to why it is specifically harmful to them? Do other animals have a higher tolerance for Hubbub? Why haven't these penguins evolved to deal with Hubbub? What exactly is Hubbub? Please post your answers with links to any useful information. Thank you for your assistance.

Taipei Vakay

2009-01-29T00:16:00.000-08:00

Chinese New Year provided us with a full week off of school, so we decided to travel north to Taipei, a city with a population of 16 million people. We figured that with that many people, something cool MUST be happening to celebrate the new year. I knew it was going to be a great trip when I saw the electric message board on the train wishing all the English speakers "Good Luck! and Good Healthy!" Its flattering that they make the attempt! Anywho, we started the trip off with a nice visit to the temple. It was great to put myself in the eternal frame of mind for a while. The temple always helps me with that.

We wandered over to the Chiang Kai-shek memorial where we had our pictures taken with dozens of different American-loving friends from all over Asia...mostly the Phillipines, Indonesia, and Korea. These folks repeatedly caught me watching the two girls in traditional dress and took the initiative to say hi to me. They, along with all other photograph buddies were unbeleivably friendly and excited to have a picture with Americans.

Taipei 101 is the tallest building in the world (although soon to be surpassed by a building in Dubai...that's no surprise...I mean the people made huge palm-tree-shaped islands for crying out loud.) The elevators are in the guiness book of world records for being the fastest in the world. We went from the 5th floor to the 89th floor in 37 seconds. I am usually more enthralled by natural beauty, but the ingenuity and human (God-given) genius presented in this building were captivating. Its amazing what knowledge will enable people to accomplish!

The National Palace Museum was a lot of fun and very educational. Why do those two have to be separated in my mind? Anywho, this lady was distributing information on a type of meditation called Falun Gong whose practicioners were being rounded up and killed in China. Supposedly they lacked a requisite permission slip that would allow them to gather in a group larger than 100 people. God Bless America!

We decided to have a "Who can get the cutest little kid picture?" contest. This was my first and, drum roll please, WINNING photo. What do you think? It was definitely a fun activity! I was extremely grateful for the language/cultural barriers in these situations, too. I could tell by the parents' body language that I was being a bit creepy, but since we couldn't communicate, I just fought through those awkward moments where we made eye contact and it was totally worth it!

This picture represents the most heartwarming portion of vacation. The three of us who remained in Taipei for an extra day were blessed to have the opportunity to help a young man with his Eagle Scout project. This little girl is an AIDS orphan who lives at this house called Harmony Homes Association. Many other children are in her situation and we were fortunate enough to be able to serve them. We worked on creating more outdoor playing space for them by adding sandboxes and preparing the roof for a bike race track and a hopscotch thingy. The best part, though, was when we just played with the kids. It reminded me of when I was in Ecuador where the kids are so many and the workers too few to render them the needed love and attention. It felt great to be able to brighten their day a bit!

The Taipei Zoo was awesome! Arwyn (maroon shirt) and Jaimie were my zoo buddies. We had fun trying to imitate or make up animal sounds for all the animals. What sound does a giraffe make? Try it. I met lots of cool people and was thus able to practice my German, Spanish and Chinese. Who would've thought, eh? God is a very creative being. The diversity and beauty in His creations were obvious to me during this visit.

One of my friends from the hostel we stayed in...Taiwanmex. It is called such because the guy who runs it is from mexico. I thought that was quite interesting. How does a Mexican end up running a business in Taiwan? Well, he met his wife when she visited Mexico. This is Diana from Singapore. She was like the hostel mom, always cutting up fruit for everyone, cleaning and making it feel like home. She was also my tour guide when we went to the Buddhist temple to pray on Chinese New Year's Eve. She explained all of the gods to me, what we were praying for and how prosperous i am going to be this next year. After all, it is the year of the cow (this could be your year, daddy!)
Mr. Yon from Korea...another hostel buddy. He was an entertaining soul with his sincere attempts at communication in English. He is an actor in Korea.

Taipei was great and I enjoyed getting to know so many different and unique people. Taiwan is touching my heart!

Fashion Freak

2009-01-22T15:53:00.001-08:00

Yes, I did and will continue to wear this out in public. The general style here really suits me. I think I might be secretly Taiwanese, because they seem to do as I do when it comes to wearing clothes. It usually goes like this: MMM, What should I wear today? I really like my purple sweater, so I'll wear that. I also like my maroon corduroy pants. I'll put those on, too. My brown shoes are really comfortable. I HAVE to put those on. I really like the tie that guy gave me in Germany that he said was from his days in the army. Heil, put on the tie. I certainly can't waste the 1 dollar I spent on these sweet suspenders. They need to be used, so they find their way into my garb for the day....etc, etc, etc. One of the secretaries yesterday was wearing flaming purple tights underneath a brown plaid shirt dress thing with yellow shoes. Another one was wearing shin-high socks with tights, pink sandals, a shirt dress thing, and a nice jacket. I think they follow the same philosophy as I do...If you like it, wear it. It doesn't matter what you wear it with. (That's my friend derrick in the background)

Spaaaaa....AH!

2009-01-16T02:56:00.000-08:00

Last night marked the second time we visited the local spa. Let me rephrase that...Last night marked the second time we visited the water wonderland replete with equipment to fill all your water massaging, spa soaking, steam room steaming, lap swimming, water slide sliding, ginger tea drinking, lavender and orange-scented hot tub soaking needs. Seriously, if you think it would be relaxing and good for your body and it has to do with water in any of its various forms, this place definitely has it...and lots of it!

How do you like the requisite swimcaps? A bright metallic blue one with gold and silver spots now calls my closet home. I think this may turn into a Saturday tradition for some of us. After spending the day biking close to 15 miles all while gaining approximately 1,500 feet in elevation, the spa sure felt like heaven.

The lady at the front desk probably thought so as well. I don't think I've ever been one to be ashamed of changing my clothes in front of other people at swimming places. Everyone has to do it, so it seems normal, right? Well, with absolutely no sense of trepidation I proceeded to disrobe and put on my swimsuit when my Taiwanese friend came running into the locker room to warn me about not doing so next time. He pointed to the corner of the room where the wall meets the ceiling where resided a small black globe. Yes, it was a camera. Supposedly they had a theft problem last week and decided to monitor the first compartment where people are drying their hair ONLY. I didn't know I was supposed to use a changing room! Let's hope the hoards of people gathered around the front desk didn't notice the prominently displayed security televisions with the not so prominently displayed naked white man!

This is one of the 4 orange farmers we met on our little bike adventure. I don't know if its because I told them that Dad is a dairy farmer and they then felt some sort of farmer connection, but all of them gave us tons of oranges. They were SO NICE! and patient with my attempts at Chinese. People seem to be very flattered that I am actually making an attempt and have been extremely helpful when I've practiced with them.

One of the casualties of the bike path. This grasshopper was literally the size of my face!

We explored this very ornate Buddhist Temple after descending from the monstrous hill we climbed. We felt we deserved a little break.

Aren't we a cute couple?

It was relaxing and refreshing to be out in the countryside with all of the farms and orchards. We stopped at a hot dog stand on the way home and the vendors suggested we take a few cloves of raw garlic to eat with our dogs. Mom, this is for you...I ate a whole one plain and then another one intermittently between bites of my hot dog. C'mon...you know you love it!

Giggling Girlies

2009-01-08T19:34:00.000-08:00

Surprise! Dane thinks Taiwanese girls are adorable. This has thus far proven to be extremely beneficial to my language learning efforts. For some odd, inexplicable reason the intimidation that normally accompanies venturing to the edge of my verbal capacity is obliterated by the appearance of these attractive Asian angels. Ok, perhaps it can be explained with great facility, thanks to Microeconomics 2010 and Joe Baker. People respond to incentives! Its true and its economics. Something I learned in school DOES have real-life application. Praise Allah!

My fellow teachers seem to firmly believe I will follow the exact footsteps of our Branch President, which would entail: 1. Do a language exchange with a Taiwanese girl. 2. Marry this Taiwanese girl. 3. Start my own English school. 4. Become Branch President. 5. Upset my dear mother greatly as she has already forewarned me about establishing permanent residency here in Taiwan.....We shall see...

The three ladies in aprons were my language buddies last night at the restaurant. As we were pondering our menus, wondering what to eat, nature called and while doing the universally understood pee-pee dance seemed appealing, I really wanted the practice. So, I decided to ask in Chinese. With dictionary in hand and lust in my heart I proceeded to delay my bathroom visit by 20 minutes as I miraculously communicated some basic likes and dislikes with our waitress. Her boss is the one who took the picture and instead of sticking with the traditional, "One, Two, Three," he said, "A, B, C." We Americans nearly died laughing.

To listen to my pump-me-up-about-being-in-Taiwan song, go to youtube and look up:
Ilha Formosa: Taiwan will touch your heart. Click on the first one.

One, Two, Three...English Please!

2009-01-07T00:38:00.000-08:00

One of the most fundamental rules here at the school is the English only rule. Children are to be held more strictly to this rule than to any other, it seems. My question is, "How do I know if they are speaking Chinese?" Their attempts at communication in English are no more comprehensible than their Chinese sometimes. But, what can you expect from these little guys? The kindergartners wander around muttering...I want, I want, I want and the older students speak mostly chinglish (english words with chinese grammar) i.e. "This is what?" "Mr. Dane is where?" etc.

Clarification: Kindergarten here is much more heterogeneous than in the states. Some of my children still have their baby fat, while others roam around like giants compared to their classmates. Three year olds in a language class is a great idea, by the way! We can learn a lot from the Chinese educational system. Yesterday while squeezing one of said baby fat carrying toddler's cheeks, I remarked, "You have BIG cheeks." There was not one moment's hesitation with the innocent reply, "You have a big NOSE!" Children everywhere are fascinated by my nose. One student was rubbing it today with a look of great fascination. I could tell he was really thinking and wanted to tell me something but didn't know quite how to articulate. Finally, after polishing my honker for a full minute out came, "Teacher Dane, you have a sharp nose." What would they say about Dad's nose? (luv ya dad)

This job is also great for my self esteem. We are encouraged to teach the children how to speak in first person, so while reviewing their spelling words I came up with the following dialogue:
"Beautiful. Am I beautiful? Yes, I am beautiful." Shouts of rebuttal rang through the classroom. "Teacher, you not beautiful. You stinky." I was hoping the next word would evoke a more pleasant reaction. "Cute. Am I cute? Yes I am cute. I am cute and beautiful." Cue: rotten tomatoes and lettuce. Oh well, can't please everyone, eh? Although, I must say that one of my students obviously likes me because when given an assignment to write comparisons in his journal while observing me, he wrote, "Teacher Dane is more handsomer than me." His little 12 year old girlfriends strongly disagreed. Oh the days of young romance!

My teaching schedule:

Monday 8:30-11:30 Morning Kindergarten 130-400 Basic Reading
Tuesday 8:30-11:30 Morning Kindergarten 440-640 4th grade
Wednesday 830-1130 Morning Kindergarten 130-400 Basic Reading 650-850 9th grade writing
Thursday 130-400 basic reading 440-640 4th grade
Friday 130-400 Basic reading 650-850 writing
Saturday (tell me about it!) 8-10 4th grade

(I don't think this picture does justice to the humongous size of this bowl. It was HUGE! This is Joseph and I eating out and a temple...the lanterns had characters about heavenly mother on them.)

FOOD FOOD FOOD

2009-01-02T16:18:00.000-08:00

Taiwan is one of the few places I know of where it is cheaper to eat out than it is to go grocery shopping and buy your own food. For example, yesterday I ate this ramen noodle dish that I bought at the store. Now before you go asking yourselves how desperate I must be, allow me to explain. Derrick, who lived here for 2 years was shopping with me when I bought it and highly recommended the ramen. Its like american ramen on steroids. The one I bought was extra spicy and came with little beef and vegetable chunks. Plus, the noodles are much thicker than their american counterparts. Needless to say, this ramen was not your typical college-student-too-poor-to-buy-anything-decent ramen. It cost me $50NT, which equates to approximately $1.50. Then, add the bread and cheese I used to supplement the meal which was not enough to sustain me and I probably spent about $70NT. The same night I went to a fancy Thai restaurant in the shopping center and got a huge plate of chicken chili basil rice and a coconut mango milk dessert for $130 NT. Ok, so I said it was cheaper....well it CAN be. This restaurant was a little more fancy than others and I will ALWAYS pay a little extra for good Thai food! But, the night previous, I ate pregnant breaded fish, marinated fish, squid and tons of vegetables for $70NT---the exact price of my ramen lunch. Now, whether I am consciously or subconsciously playing with the numbers to justify eating out everyday is not the question. Come on, what would you do if your employer gave you $100NT everyday to spend on food? Meals for 2 american dollars that taste just as good as any 15 dollar a plate restaurant...This place rocks!! The question is...chicken kidney or congealed pig's blood? Can you guess which one I've already eaten?

Too much of a good thing...

2009-01-01T21:48:00.000-08:00

is a good thing, right? I would be contradicting obvious evidence that has been presented in the last few days if I argued differently. What I am asking is, "Can you ever eat too many whole fish coated in batter that openly display their pregnancies when you bite into them? How many deep-fried fish guts are too many?"

Well, after a pleasant 14-plus hour plane ride a few days ago, I arrived in Taiwan. Humorously enough, not one solitary person out of the 9 of us coming to teach at Berhan Language Institute had the remotest sense of what we were supposed to do once we disembarked. People passing definitely wondered, as did we, "What are these people doing?" It must have looked at least somewhat odd to have 9 gringos with 3 bags each standing obtrusively near the airport exit. We stood in stunned silence for a measure of time until Arwyn (female teacher) piped up mentioning some obscure email about directions about our journey from airport to home. The bus we rode in was delightful! There's no better way to bring in the new year than by watching Mrs. Doubtfire with Chinese subtitles, while riding in a luxurious, green-curtained bus----not to mention the awesome fireworks we were able to see out the windows.

As I was trying to explain to my new roommates (Derrick and Joseph) last night, the newness of everything makes each moment noteworthy, so how am I supposed to decipher what is actually worthy of writing and what is not?

These are just some of the things that are interestingly new that I cannot perceive will possible become old: 1. The Taiwanese secretaries giggling at every mention of the word 'single'. B. Hearing the garbage truck, which sounds eerily exactly like an ice cream truck. (We were in the middle of a get-to-know-you session with the secretaries yesterday when I heard it for the first time and at once the whole flock of secretaries went running outside, completely abandoning what we were doing. YES! Ice cream! I was salivating, only to be disappointed by being assigned to carry large pieces of soggy cardboard...so much for ice cream. I still like the excitement the sound creates, though). 4. Riding a purple girl's bike through the city where our trainer, who's lived here for 8 years, says, "They pay no attention to the red lights oftentimes." Its like a real-life frogger every time I saddle up. D. Smiling, giving the thumbs up and peace signs in an attempt to make my limited Chinese more understandable. Language barriers have always intrigued me. Now, about those fish guts....

2008-12-21T19:42:00.000-08:00

I attended work training this weekend and aside from the fact that I needed 2.5 hours to drive from SLC to Provo due to the storm, I really enjoyed myself. The English language program I will be teaching disallows any type of communication in the children's native tongue, so we simulated Taiwan experiences by feigning ignorance of English and allowing immersion teaching to take place. We then watched some videos of other teachers in action. The methodology is thrilling to me and I can't wait to start teaching the kids.

A portion of our training was dedicated to Taiwanese Cultural Quirks. I am excited to see how many cultural norms I unknowingly disobey. Following are a few I was made aware of: 1. Do not be alarmed by the multitude of extra long pinky fingernails. The men grow them out as a symbol of honor to their families. Funny, cause most people I know here in the states grow them out to facilitate their snorting and picking habits. 2. The longer one lets his/her mole hair grow, the more luck will come to that person's life. I wonder what they think of other body hair, because if quantity also lends itself to luckiness, then I am definitely one of the luckiest people alive. 3. Taiwanese people don't say they love each other like Americans do. A wife could go her whole life without her husband telling her he loves her. Largely influenced by Confucianism, they feel they show their love for each other through their actions. Interestingly, my family would fit in well there. Rarely are the words, "I love you" audibly heard, but they are definitely felt through kind deeds. Which means more? Would your opinion of me change much if I came home with extra long pinky nails?

Eastern healing...mmmm

2008-12-16T13:54:00.000-08:00

My grandma has a massage therapist that travels occasionally to her home to give her a rub. He comes all the way from St. George, so to make it worth his time, she tries to schedule as many clients for him as possible. Well, Grandma decided to give me a call and how could I say no? This is the lady cooking me fried shrimp, sweet and sour pork, chow mein, and fried rice for Christmas dinner for crying out loud!

I have had massages before, but not the type that Leroy was offering. He is a massage therapist/chiropractor, which basically means he warms the muscles up really well through massage and then snaps clients' spines back into their proper places. I was thrilled with the prospect of being plagued less by my stiff neck and boy did he snap it back where it should be! I think the best part was when he put this menthol rub all over my back. It smelled heavenly! I am not planning on showering for quite a while, because I want this smell to linger as long as possible.

Leroy is extremely passionate about natural healing and it was refreshing talking with him about how holistic eastern medicine really is. I have been a yogi (a practicer of yoga) for quite some time now, but he encouraged me to look more into tai chi. He lauded it as a great form of exercise, stretching and also as a great spiritual boost. As a martial art it is concerned with the study of appropriate change in response to outside forces; the study of yielding or 'sticking' to an oncoming attack rather than attempting to meet it with opposing force. Maybe we should have a worldwide tai chi day...right after we kill all the drug lords...who's with me?

Kill the deviants???

2008-12-15T09:52:00.000-08:00

I just sent in my visa application and directly above the signature line I read these words in bold, large print: WARNING: Drug trafficking is punishable by death according to criminal law in the Republic of China.

What if the U.S. adopted a similar policy? Would it serve as a deterrent to crime? What would be the positive and/or negative externalities of such a decision? Would the "war on drugs" be more effectively waged if we treated it more like an actual war and killed people?

Welcome to a portion of my brain...I was caused to consider a number of questions after reading this and decided to leave my crack at home this time...

zai jian Cedar City

2008-12-14T08:48:00.000-08:00

Saying adios to Cedar City was surprisingly easy as I looked forward with great anticipation for my upcoming teaching job in Taiwan. I am completely convinced that the lighthearted farewell was facilitated by my almost complete social isolation this past semester, as my main source of human interaction was with my 7th and 8th grade classes at Cedar Middle School. Luckily, the good Lord has seen fit to endow me with an "out of sight, out of mind" type of mentality when it comes to people and places, generally speaking. Certainly, I have a few close friends with whom I will remain in contact from SUU and Cedar City holds many memories that are dear to my heart, but the more conversations I have with my computer in Mandarin Chinese (via Rosetta Stone--a wonderful program as far as I'm concerned) the excitement seems to swell and flood out any other thoughts that may be crowding my heart.
Let not my lauding of the Rosetta Stone deceive you. I am by absolutely no certain terms anywhere near proficiency in Chinese. Like a child with a new puppy on Christmas morning, I try to play with these new sounds and feelings they produce as often as possible. It was with great delight that I attempted to communicate with one of my Chinese students a few days previous. I have always enjoyed placing myself in uncomfortable situations, which I do firmly posit has resulted in much personal growth. Language learning seems to inevitably provide ideal circumstances for discomfort. Instead of the uplifting, "You are beautiful," out came, "You crap beautifully." I guess I need to be more sensitive to the tonalities of the language....